Changes

Four months ago I was thrown into the deep end of the motherhood pool.

I knew it was going to happen eventually. After all, I had spent the prior 17 months filling out paperwork, going to meetings, sitting through classes, replying to endless emails saying "Pick me! Pick me!" I knew exactly what the goal was, but the day Dan and I got the call from our case worker saying that we had been chosen to adopt a baby boy, the abstract became reality and five hours later I was a mother.

The moment I held Max in my arms for the first time, I can honestly say that I felt love for this little person unlike anything I've felt in my life. I had dreamed of this baby boy (not him specifically!) for more than 20 years and here he was, in my arms at last.

Going through adoption training, especially if you're open to transracial adoption, you really do become pretty prepared for the questions, the curious looks from people, the insane things people will say to you (I recently had someone say if Max isn't a good boy, we can give him back. WHAT?! Insanity.) How does one truly prepare for the changes that motherhood brings, though?

In the last four months, I've learned a lot about myself. I'm not as shy and quiet as I once thought I was- I've yelled at two people who were being too loud while Max was trying to sleep.

I've learned that while, yes, people do ask and say insane things when you are a white lady carrying around a black baby, it's not as difficult as I expected to keep my cool, take a breath, and remind myself that most people are just curious, not malicious.

I have also become more comfortable in my own skin. I'm a little bit too soft. I have tattoos, fair skin, and messy hair, but I know that I am created in God's image and I want to teach my son by example that who he is, an amazing, beautiful creation of God's, is just right.

People say that motherhood changes you- I just never expected how much.