Attachment and Adoption

When you have a baby, people offer a lot of suggestions- when to start feeding solids, how often babies should eat, how much tummy time a baby should have, how much you should/shouldn't carry your baby, whether you should let them cry it out/run to them every time they whimper. The opportunities for unsolicited advice abound and people assume that how you would parent a child that is adopted would be the same as one who isn't.

Research shows that babies adopted as newborns still can struggle with attachment with their parents. We adopted Max at 7 days old. In the grand scheme of things, it was pretty early in his life that we became his parents. But think about this- he had 9 months in the womb of another woman, learning her voice, hearing the voices of his biological family, bonding with them, and spent 7 days after his birth with a family other than ours.

I don't know about you, but it sounds pretty scary to me to be removed from the only environment you've ever known at 7 days old to be given (for lack of better word) to a new family.

I have a hard time explaining to people why I like to hold Max as he goes to sleep and why letting him cry is difficult, if not impossible, for me. Max suffered a great trauma at 7 days old. Yes, he was young, but the anxiety of being removed (I don't mean forcefully) from his family is very real.

Bonding and attachment are an ongoing process in adoption, even with children who were adopted as newborns, and the thing that is central to a lifelong bond is trust. Max needs to know that I am always going to be there for him whenever he needs me, whether it's to help him go to sleep by snuggling or because he startles awake at night and is frightened (which does happen fairly regularly).

A parent's bond with an adopted child is something that needs to be continually tended to; it isn't a one time thing, but something that needs nurturing. That's not to say Max and I aren't head over heels for each other- anyone who has ever seen us together knows that's not the case! But parenting an adopted child is different. They need closeness, nurturing, and sometimes need more attention.

Yes, it can be difficult to sometimes have to lay on the couch for 2 hours so my little guy can get a good nap or to have a day (or days) where I don't get much done because he's more clingy than usual, but I come from the school of thought that babies aren't manipulative; they tell us what they need and sometimes that's a nap with mom on the couch.

And that's just fine by me.