Adopting Out of Guilt - When adoption may not be a good idea

Last week I read an article about choosing to be child-free that made me cringe, but not in the way one might expect, and I've spent the last nine days mulling and preparing my heart so I could respond in a loving and thoughtful way.

Parenthood isn't for everyone. Some people don't want to give up the freedom, some people just plain don't like kids. Whatever the reason may be, it is totally within your rights to make that decision and you don't have to justify that to anyone.

This, however, I'm not okay with:
"Elizabeth, the most stridently anti-kid of the three, admits she keeps the idea of adoption alive in the back of her mind, “in case I start feeling too guilty.”

I was so taken aback by this quote that I put my iPad down and turned to my husband, who had recommended I read the article, and said "Wow. I'm kind of offended by part of this article." He knew exactly which line rubbed me the wrong way.

I grappled this past week as I turned the quote over in my head; what exactly was it that had me so unsettled? I found it wasn't just one thing about it, but rather the implications that can be drawn from it.

Why would a woman who is stridently anti-kid keep the idea of adoption in the back of her mind, but not having biological children? To me this kind of feels like "Oh, I ran out of time to get you a Christmas present, so here's this giftcard I picked up at the gas station." Or that children who are in need of alternate families are so desperate to belong that they will be okay with a mother who adopted them out of guilt.

Adoption is not easy. Any parent who has gone through the process will tell you it is emotionally exhausting (it took us almost 2 years and being considered by 15+ birthmothers). It's invasive (7 months just to get approved! And our social worker, due to the approval process and interviews, knows my most intimate secrets). It's expensive (domestic infant adoption can cost upward of $20,000). There are no guarantees that at the end you will have a child. And if you do end up with a child, that child has gone through extraordinary trauma and will likely need more attention and care than a biological child.

To put it simply, adoption isn't for anyone who isn't 100% invested.

My goal here isn't to berate or humiliate anyone. As lovingly and gently as I can, I want to say this:

I know how easy it is to say things we don't necessarily mean. And I don't think the intent behind the quote was malicious, but it was naïve at best and insensitive toward adoptees and their parents who have fought so hard for them.

I don't doubt for a moment that someone who didn't originally plan on being a parent can, and would, love their child whole-heartedly. Your plan B can become your plan A. Even the most stridently anti-kid person can have a change of heart. The moment your child touches your arms for the first time changes you instantaneously.

Adoption is amazing. It can expand the heart in ways you never knew were possible. But adopting out of guilt, however, is never in a child's best interest.

Or the parent's, for that matter.

Read the original column here