Have you ever noticed how difficult it is to make friends as an adult? As children we have friends built into our lives- they're in our class at school, in our church, or live down the street.
But as adults it is so much harder.
My first experience with this was when I arrived in Chicago at age 19 for a summer volunteering at a homeless shelter and it was the first time I'd been away from home for more than a week or two. From the age of about four I'd lived in the same city, or nearby, gone to the same church, and had the same best friend. Despite being homeschooled, I never had to think about making friends; they had always been right there.
So here I was, this adorably naïve girl from a tiny town in Kansas, showing up in Chicago, a city I'd never even visited before, and it was a shock to my system to be so very lonely.
I had the same struggle when I moved to Wichita, Kansas later that year to attend cosmetology school, and to a much greater extent, when Dan and I moved from Wichita to South Carolina shortly after we got married.
It took many years after we moved to South Carolina to feel established, to feel like it was home. And the turning point came with intention.
I had become sick of being lonely, of not having a support system, that I finally decided to do something about it. After years of intermittent attendance, Dan and I became more involved in our church and I persuaded some incredible women to be my friends. I truly can trace the turning point back to when these women entered my life.
In early August I began this transition again, starting over in a new city with no friends and no ties to the community. For an introverted girl like me, it would be so much easier to stay home and rely on my husband and son for my social interaction, but I know how important good friends are. I know how good for the soul they can be.
So I'm stepping out of my comfort zone.
A long-time friend set me up with a friend of hers in my new city, and she invited me and my son over recently. Was it awkward to go on blind play date? You bet. But she was gracious and hospitable, and my social awkwardness didn't scare her off too much. We've since gotten together with our kiddos several times.
I don't want to spend another three years feeling lonely and out of place, so I am being intentional about making friends. I am taking risks and showing up even when it is scary or intimidating.
As adults, we don't have the luxury of hoping new friends will just show up; we have to show up too. So what are we waiting for? Let's go.
Have you ever started over in a new city or gone through a major life transition and had to make new friends? What did you learn that could make someone else's journey easier? Share your story or tips in the comments below!
Click here for Day 1 of Get Uncomfortable: 31 Days to a More Fulfilled Life
More posts on Get Uncomfortable: Relationships -
It seems like I have moved ALL MY LIFE! I share a lot of those same feelings of social awkwardness (I wonder where you got that from?) But actually, I have been firmly planted in the same city (or very close to it) for nearly 30 years. As the child of a Navy family we did move frequently, and then as an adult relocated several times. It's given me the opportunity to learn how to make friends.
ReplyDeleteThe most valuable tool in my make friends tool box is to look for someone who may need a friend. Having been a church goer myself, I found many friends through Bible studies and such. But I've also made friends in the waiting room of doctor's offices! Pray for opportunities to reach out to someone who is also struggling with loneliness. I believe it's related to the concept of generosity...it is more blessed to give than to receive.
Making friends and building friendships takes risk and time, How the Lord has blessed me, I have had dear friendships all throughout the years that came about in many ways.
You know, as terrible as this sounds, until recently I really hadn't put thought into how my friendship affects others, like what you're saying about looking for someone who may need a friend. So much of our relationships is selfishly motivated and it was really convicting to realize how much I think of myself when I am looking for friends, and probably especially when I'm *not*!
DeleteHi, Kelsey -
ReplyDeleteI am Lisa Goodgame's friend from college and am also participating in the 31 Days series. Your topic really resonates with me. I, too, am striving to get out of my comfort zone and to make new friends. You're right - it is hard to make friends as an adult, and I didn't realize how small my social circle was until about three years ago.
Since then, I have been intentional about meeting new people and nurturing new friendships, and it has made a huge difference in my life. Recently, I went to a blog conference and connected with local bloggers both in real life and online - and it's already having an impact on my life!
I look forward to following your series!
Hi! I am happy to meet a fellow 31 Dayer! I'll be sure to keep an eye on your series throughout the month.
DeletePart of why I really decided to get plugged into a church was the realization that my social circle was so small. We had decided we were ready to have kids and we really had no support system whatsoever nearby. Being intentional about nurturing friendships made a huge difference in my life too.
Thanks for stopping by! Good luck to you throughout October!
Hi Kels, congrats on doing this series. I think "get uncomfortable" is totally apt.
ReplyDeleteI never had much trouble meeting people before I moved here. This move was another story, and we had no friends for the first year and a half. We decided we needed friends, and I (we) started putting myself out there, pursuing ties that might lead to something, going out when I didn't feel like it, organizing gatherings, etc. It is amazing how huge a difference that has made, and we now have what I consider to be a nice little group of friends. I still don't have super close friends, but that comes with time, and with all of the cultural differences amongst the various ex-pats, I think it will just take longer.
Hi, Liv! Thank you! I'm really excited to be doing this.
DeleteI can only imagine how much more difficult it is making friends overseas in an unfamiliar culture, especially when there are language barriers involved. I'm impressed at you putting yourself out there even with some pretty big hurdles in the way.
Good friends are interesting. For me, it doesn't always take time; I think I'm one of those "if we connect, you're my best friend" kind of people! Sometimes I'm too open for my own good, though!
I'm glad you came by and shared your story, Liv!