I can't entirely explain what it feels like. There's so much scrutiny from the agency and referral country, there's the penny-pinching and the fundraising, there's the worry about our son in Uganda. It's overwhelming and it can make me act nuts.
For weeks after we learned of our son in Uganda, I would spend night after night laying in bed worried about him, wondering how long it will take to get him home, where all the money's going to come from, etc., etc., etc. I would drag through the day so exhausted from worry, thinking "if we could just tell people why it's so important he get into a family quickly, maybe then they'd help."
I keep begging God that things move along faster, that I will sell more things from my shop, that we will get a response from the letter we sent to friends and family, anything to get us a little closer to him and when nothing would happen, my heart is crushed. I start railing so hard against the process, against God, against everyone, that things grind to a halt.
My heart aches so deeply for this little boy 9,000 miles away and I want so desperately to be with him and give him everything he needs that I forget about everything else. I get tunnel vision and all I want to do is wrest control from God when the very thing I should do is be leaning on him.
On Friday while reading a book I'm slowly making my way through, I read a reference to Matthew 6:26-27 and again on Sunday, our pastor quoted the same scripture:
Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
Friends, I think there's nothing in this world God loves more than His children and James 1:27 says that pure and genuine religion is caring for orphans and widows in their distress. That leads me to believe that my Ugandan baby holds a special place in God's heart. He wants this little boy to know family, to know love, to get the care he so desperately needs.
I love this little boy so much, but he has a creator who loves him so much more than I will ever be able to. His needs, and ours, will be provided for. And I will let go and trust.
Such truth Kelsey. It's a hard truth because it means we're not in control but it is truth. Praying for you and your sweet little family.
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