Why China? -- Letting go and allowing the dream evolve

I was 8 years old when I decided I'd adopt a little girl from China some day. I'd heard about the one child policy in China and how girls were routinely abandoned or selectively aborted because having a boy is so strongly preferred. My 8-year-old heart broke. How could they not see the value in these little girls?

                        

In January 2011, after years of infertility struggles, Dan and I went to our local Bethany Christian Services office to get more info about their adoption program in China. At 28 years old, we knew we were too young, but were wondering if we could begin the home study and dossier process and submit when I turned 30. We went into the meeting with this plan and came out with both of us feeling God very clearly call us in a different direction -- domestic infant adoption.

In June 2012, 18 months after that meeting, we got a call from our social worker saying we'd finally been chosen. Five hours after that call, our baby was in our arms. He was a beautiful, tiny one week old African American boy, our Max Rudy. It was one of the most gloriously surreal days of my life.

Dan and I decided early on after Max's adoption we wanted to adopt another child of African descent. We felt it was the best decision for Max, to grow up with a sibling that looks like him. Kiddos who are adopted already have so much to wrestle with in terms of feeling like they don't belong; why add to that unnecessarily?

Our feelings about adopting another black child were confirmed when we saw Michael's face. We knew he was the one. Our gorgeous Ugandan boy came home in August 2014 and became a big brother.

Throughout Michael's adoption, and especially while in Uganda, we talked a lot about adopting another Ugandan child some day. We hoped and prayed that Michael would grow up with a sibling from his birth culture, one who could relate to his life there, one who would share in his joy when we return for visits. We imagined spending time in Uganda with Max and Michael while going through the adoption process again, seeing friends, visiting places we love with them.

We've prayed. We've begged God. We've asked the powers that be repeatedly. And for reasons unknown to us, God's answer, at least so far, has been "no."

My heart was so heavily burdened by this I did the only thing I could think of to do, I let go. I said to God "I do not understand this, but I trust you" and I let go.

While exploring options and waiting to hear if we could adopt from Uganda again, our social worker messaged me and said that based on our criteria, a child under age 3 with special needs, she thought China would be a good fit. I was taken aback. I imagined suggestions of domestic infant or another African country. China wasn't even on my radar. I mean, we have two black sons. Put simply, I thought we'd only adopt black children.

But I began to pray. And I kept hearing God say to me "you've let go of your dream before and trusted me. Will you do it again?"

I began thinking about how I'd always imagined I'd adopt a little girl from China. I have imagined her so much I can practically see her face and the little dress she'd wear. The dream was so alive and so vivid.

But I knew when God was calling me to walk away from that dream. Had I not trusted Him, I wouldn't have said "yes" to Max, I wouldn't have said "yes" to Michael, these two precious boys who are my heart and soul.

So I let go. I let go of my dream and handed it over to Him, knowing His dream for me is far better than anything I could ever imagine.