Get Uncomfortable, Day 5 - Quality Kid Time

I was at the park yesterday with Max. It was just us and another mom with her two boys. The mom was on the phone and every time one of her sons would come up to her she'd say "Just one more minute!" At one point, one walked away crying "I just want you to play with me!" Mom kept talking away.

The boys, tired of waiting, came up to me and asked if I'd push them on the swings. I hollered at their mom to make sure she was okay with it. She nodded approval, so I pushed them; two precious little guys, four and five years old (They said to me, "Do you even know how old we are? Do you even know our names?" Adorable.), left to play with a strange woman and her baby.

You know, I don't know if this is typical for them and I totally get that mamas need time to space out and do their own thing (can I get an amen?), but this was like a punch in the gut to me because I saw so much of myself in this mom.

I know firsthand that being home with a little one(s) all day long is exhausting and sometimes, well, just boring. I mean, we listen to The Muppets' song "Mahna Mahna" about 20 times a day and Max thinks lifting his leg into the air is worthy of applause every time (which truthfully is pretty adorable and hilarious). So much of being at home with the kiddos is the same every single day and it does get monotonous.

I am the queen of goofing off on Facebook during the day. I mean, were they to crown someone official Facebook time waster, I'd probably win hands down. And I didn't start seeing it as a problem until recently. Max has started coming up to me as I sit at the table or on the couch and grabbing my hand and saying "Go? Go? Go?"

Obviously, he's begun to notice that I'm not paying attention and man, that makes my heart hurt.

Not so long ago Max and I were battling through our afternoons together, struggling just to make it to bedtime. He was having upwards of a dozen throw-myself-down-on-the-floor-and-scream temper tantrums a day. I was exhausted and he, obviously, wasn't happy.

I had this idea, though- what would happen if I gave Max a little more undivided attention? Would that change anything? So I gave it a try.

We began spending an hour a day, just one little hour, at the park together. No cell phone, no iPad, no TV. Just me and Max and whatever he wants to do.

Oh how I wish I could explain how this has changed our lives! Devoting one uninterrupted hour a day to my son has made much of the rest of the day go smoothly. We snuggle more. We laugh and wrestle more. We are having more fun instead of counting down the hours until bedtime.

Please don't get me wrong, mamas. I need breaks, and I know you do too. I don't want anyone to feel guilty about taking time to space out, waste time on Facebook, or do whatever it is that helps you relax!

What I am saying is this- we are a generation of parents with cell phones glued to our hands, computers always on with social media always open, and iPads to carry with us when we go, and it's our kiddos paying the price for us being unengaged.

Someday when Max is grown, I don't want him to look back on his childhood and think "Wow, my mom was always on Facebook wasting time!"

I want him to remember me taking the time to see him and clap again when he raises his leg in the air for the 20th time that day.


Do you have set time that you devote entirely to your kids? What is it that you look forward to doing most with them?

Click here for Day 4, Zzz. The Art of Sleep

More posts on Get Uncomfortable: Relationships -
Day 2, Cultivating Friendships

But, will I love them?

"Adoption is a miracle. I don't mean just that it's amazing, terrific, and a wonderful thing to do. I mean that it is, that as the dictionary says, "a surprising and welcome event that is not explicable by nature or scientific laws and is therefore considered to be the work of divine agency."                                                              
                                                                         -Scott Simon, Baby, We Were Meant for Each Other


One of the things non-adoptive parents say to me a lot is "I just don't think I could love a child that isn't mine."

I honestly have no idea how many times someone has said this to me. It's been so many times I couldn't possibly remember them all. Even while we were waiting to be matched with Max the x-ray tech at my doctor's office said to me "I'm interested in adoption, but my wife doesn't think she'd love someone else's kid like she loves ours."

Loving someone else's child fully and unconditionally doesn't make sense to our tiny human minds. We want a child that's ours. We want to see the similarities between them and us, to connect with them the way our parents connected with us.

But here's the thing- Max is mine.

I couldn't love that little boy more had Dan and I created him ourselves. He is so much a part of me that there are moments when I forget I didn't give birth to him. I have dreams that I breastfeed him, not because it's something that's a part of our everyday lives (he's been exclusively bottle-fed), but because it is so innate between mother and child that my mind forgets he didn't come from my body

 Our hearts are extraordinary. Just as the love biological parents have for one child, two children, however many children they may have, grows, so does the love for adopted children.

Love is one of those amazing, limitless things. The more places to pour it out, the more it flows.

Dear Birth Mother - Growing

There are many times when Max does something amazing, funny, or something that touches my heart and I immediately want to tell one person- his birth mom. Although we send regular updates to his birth parents, we don't as of yet have a face-to-face relationship with them, so many of the things that I would love to tell her go unsaid, so I am beginning this series to share what I wish I could say to her myself.

Please note that I am using "birthmother" to protect Max's birth mom's privacy, not because I don't know her name or don't want to address her personally.
________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Birthmother,

Every morning when I go to get him out of his bed he sits up, points to his face and says "nose."

We move onto eyes, ears, head, hair, hands, fingers, and toes. Some days he remembers to say "knee!", others he forgets or points to shin instead. He also loves to talk about belly buttons and gets frustrated when he's in a onesie or a romper and can't find his.

He's such an extraordinarily smart kid that it blows my mind. I know a lot of it is because I'm home with him to work on things like shapes and colors, but I have a hunch that you are the one he really gets his smarts from.

He talks all the time. A month or so ago I decided to count all the words he uses on a regular basis; I lost count after 30 or so, and he's added many since then. He says "up!" dozens of times a day, but my favorite to hear, of course, is "mama!"

He is such a strong-willed little boy, which I also have a hunch comes from you. There's no getting him to do something he doesn't want to and you will likely have a huge meltdown on your hands if you try. With his strong will also comes tenacity, though. He never gives up when he wants to accomplish something, a trait I hope he carries into adulthood.

Every day when I am holding our son, mine and yours, I think of you. I want you to know I don't take the gift you gave me for granted; it is my honor and privilege to be his mother, even during the times when I am exhausted and drained.

I want you to know, too, how much we love you. You, dear birthmother, are forever in our hearts.

Love always,

Four months

Today Max is 4 months old. Time flies when you're having fun (and are sleep deprived).

 

 

What Max is like at 4 months:

• Oh so very chatty and squealy! I got dirty looks from people at the library yesterday because he's so talkative. I think his chattiness is adorable, though.
• He can almost turn from back to tummy. He keeps getting stuck on his arm mid-flip and needs a little extra help. 
• Smiles constantly at Dan and I, but is pretty slow to smile at others. He is very social though and thrives on activity. He loves to go out and be around people.
• He's completely fascinated by the doggy's tail.
• He is super wiggly and wants to be able to move independently. Max thinks it's dumb that he can't crawl yet.
• Loves to eat his fingers. We have to remind him that sticking his fingers down his throat may not be the best idea.
• Has a whole bin of fun toys, but prefers to play with a burp cloth instead. I'm making mental note of that while doing my Christmas shopping. :-P