Why "Gotcha Day" Rubs Me The Wrong Way

Holding Max for the first time

If you're at all connected with adoption, and likely you are because you're here, you've probably heard the phrase "Gotcha Day." If not, let me explain.

Gotcha Day is a phrase used to mark the day of placement of an adopted child with their adoptive family. What a glorious, marvelous day it is for the adoptive families. We wait, we pray, we hold on so tightly to the dream that someday we will finally have a precious little one in our home and when that day finally arrives, no day has ever been so sweet and precious to us.

Again, if you're at all connected with adoption you've likely heard the phrase "adoption triad." That's right, there are three parties involved in an adoption- adoptive parents, adopted child, and birth parents.

Daddy and precious baby boy

So here's the rub- The phrase "Gotcha Day" seems callous and insensitive to me. The day Max arrived in our home was the most incredible day of my life. I had waited so long for him and here he was, finally in my arms!

The thought, though, never left my mind (and still is with me every day) that Max has two birth parents who love him every bit as much as I do and the day that was so wonderful for me was no doubt the most horrible, heartbreaking day of their lives. In addition, my sweet baby boy had spent 9 months in the womb of his birthmother, hearing her voice, bonding with her, only to be placed into the arms of another mother, who loved him unconditionally and wholeheartedly from the first moment, but a mother who was a stranger.

First feeding- I wasn't sure how to hold the bottle!

I would love to feel okay about celebrating "Gotcha Day" and throwing Max the most amazingly huge party every single year. June 18 is the day my life changed forever. It is a precious gift to me and is incredibly, incredibly special. But how can I celebrate "Gotcha Day" when I know the day that gives me so much joy will no doubt bring pain and sorrow to Max's birth mother and birth father, and quite possibly to Max too.

What I propose instead of "Gotcha Day" is "Family Day." June 18 is the day Max came into my life and the day I became his mother forever, but it's also the day that we became a family. Now that is a sweet, sweet thing indeed.

I would love to know, what do other families with adopted children do to mark the day their children came home? What are your feelings on "Gotcha Day"?

Fall Flavors

Image Source

I'll be the first one to admit that Pinterest can be a huge time suck. I can spend an entire naptime pinning crafty projects that I'll never get around to. What I have found Pinterest especially useful for is recipes, though.

Every Sunday when I'm making our menu for the week, I consult my food pinboard and see what strikes my fancy. This week I made this delicious pumpkin coffee cream (recipe originally from Deliciously Organic). So. Dang. Good.
 

Image Source

I'm also loving this yummy baked oatmeal recipe from 20by20. One recipe is enough to make breakfast for a week or you can double and stick the rest in the freezer for next week too.

A friend of mine substituted pureed pumpkin for oil and said it was delish. Me? I accidentally omitted the oil altogether in my first batch. Turned out okay, though! I added raisins to my second batch. It was kind of like an oatmeal raisin cookie for breakfast.

Who doesn't love fall?

Learning To Do What I Can

As a kid I imagined being a doctor when I grew up. I had a little toy doctor kit and I would do check ups on my stuffed animals. I remember one time even setting up a "clinic" in our house, making charts for all of my family members and taking appointments one by one in the little cubby under the stairs.

I told an adult in my life around that time that I wanted to grow up to be a doctor and they said something to the effect of "maybe you should be a nurse instead." I didn't know if that was because I was a girl or because I wasn't smart enough, but it hurt my little self so much that I put the thought out of my head for almost another 20 years.

When we moved to South Carolina, Dan had evening work hours and I was looking for a job with a flexible schedule so I could be off when he was too. A new friend mentioned medical transcription to me as a possibility and within a few weeks of her suggestion I was enrolled in school.

As I began digging into the curriculum, my fascination with medicine became renewed. I found myself over the coming months and years devouring as much information about the field as I could, whether it be from work, reading books, or from Discovery Health (while I do love Grey's, I don't count that!). The dream I had as a little girl became renewed.

I've felt very strongly over the last 6 years that I've been called to the field of medicine, but with one of the wonkiest (yep, that's the technical medical term. Just kidding) backs in the history of mankind, my dream has felt unattainable.

I've been praying a lot lately about how I might be more involved with medicine. Yes, at this point, it would take nothing short of a miracle for me to realize my childhood, and now adult, dream of becoming a doctor. I do believe that miracles like that do happen sometimes, but I'm slowly becoming okay with the idea that maybe that's just not God's plan for my life. That isn't to say God hasn't called me to the field and doesn't have another awesome plan for me and my passion.

As I am headed into this time of being a patient myself, I'm trying to actively think of ways I can ease the burden others. While my back problems may seem like a big deal to me, stories like this one remind me there are far more pressing medical needs in this world.

I don't know what's n store for my future with my back or my future in the field of medicine, but I am committing to not allow my physical shortcomings to stop me from doing something.

Helping isn't just for the physically able or those in perfect health. There are so many needs that we can attend to with monetary support, prayer, or even just lending an ear to someone who is struggling.

I still hold out hope that my surgery will be successful and I will one day not too far in the future be able to pursue my dream of the field of medicine, whether it's as a doctor, a nurse, or something else entirely that I haven't yet considered.

In the meantime though, I'm going to stop thinking about my own physical pain for a while and start taking care of others in the ways that I can.

Want some ideas on how you can help provide medical care without becoming a practitioner yourself? Check out these resources:

World Vision Medical Care
Doctors Without Borders
Compassion International Health & Medical Needs

Orphan Sunday

I came across this post about Orphan Sunday by Bill Blacquiere today on Bethany Christian Service's blog. It's a great tie-in for my post, Conviction, from the other day.

"As National Adoption Month approaches in November, it is a time for us to pause and consider the plight of 153 million orphans around the world. These children have lost one or both parents due to war, AIDS, disease, abandonment, poverty, or natural disaster. And because Bethany’s vision is to see a world where every child is cared for in a loving family, we encourage you to join us and support Orphan Sunday on November 4.

Orphan Sunday was established in 2003 to raise greater awareness of the growing global orphan crisis, remind us of God’s command to care for orphans, and invite churches to work together in drawing attention to and support for vulnerable children and their families. Nine years after its inception, Orphan Sunday has expanded around the world, with events and activities varying at each church and community in which they are held.

Here in the U.S., churches from every state participated last year, not only by providing statistics and stories on the harsh realities orphans face, but also by offering tangible ways their congregations could get involved. In places such as Europe, thousands of churches participated in Orphan Sunday. And in developing countries such as Ethiopia and Kenya, church members were quick to donate what they could and held services proclaiming what God says about caring for orphans."
Read more at Bethany's blog.

Interested in organizing an Orphan Sunday event in your area? Check out these resources:
http://orphansunday.org/
http://www.bethany.org/main/orphan-sunday
http://www.efca.org/reachglobal/reachglobal-ministries/globalfingerprints/orphan-sunday
http://www.christianalliancefororphans.org/2012/06/10/2012-orphan-sunday-video/

Reunion with Birth Parents- An Adoptee's Point of View

As a mother through adoption, I constantly wonder if Max would ever want to meet his birth parents. Of course, every child is different, but this post from Amy Eisinger brings some insight to what it might be like for an adult to meet their birth parents 20+ years later.

"Yet, out of sheer curiosity, I listened to Monda. My biological parents, who conceived me as teenagers, had stayed together. They had married. They had two more children. A boy and a girl. I had a brother and a sister. They did not wish to replace my family. But they were hoping, that in time, perhaps we could develop a friendship.
I declined. I didn't speak to them.
And that silence ensued for about two years. I can't exactly pinpoint why I reached out to them. Maybe it was the recent Thanksgiving I'd spent with my family in Jersey that had me thinking about family. Maybe it was because my then-relationship had started to sour and I wanted some good interactions. Maybe it was just a gut feeling, one that can't be explained. At any rate, I emailed my bio family on December 1, 2010. And graciously, miraculously, they still wanted to get to know me."
Read more at Huffington Post Parents.

Parenting Priorities

Coming up next on "When Llamas Attack..."

Image source: Demotivating Posters

Conviction

Image source: Hope For Orphans

My son is 4 months old and I can't stop thinking about adopting more children. I can picture it now, you're eyes bugging out, shaking your head, and saying "This lady's crazy!"

 Last spring, while Dan and I were still waiting to be chosen for a child, we went through a particularly rough patch. I was so ready to give up and had begun to email our adoption specialist to tell her I wanted to quit (the woman is a patient saint dealing with my neuroses for almost 2 years now!).

Before I wrote the email, I grabbed a few custom postcards for my business from a box and started writing thank yous to customers. I write a thank you to go along with each package I mail out to customers, but I usually use blank greeting cards instead of the postcards. I couldn't tell you what possessed me to do something different on that day.

As I began writing, I noticed that there was some faint print in the background on the address side of my postcards. I remember thinking how strange it was because I didn't order them with any extra print. I looked closely at the card and saw the print was upside down. I flipped it over and could make out a little bit of text, most clearly at the bottom was James 1:27, which reads:

"Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you."

Woah. It was one of those moments where I was like, is this seriously happening? In that moment, our decision to move forward with adoption was solidified in my mind.

I have this verse hanging on the wall in my bedroom now, a daily reminder that God has called me (and the church as a whole) to step up. The more I see this verse, and the longer I am a mother, the more this verse repeats in my head and is engrained in my heart.

So maybe I am a little bit crazy, but when God gives us  the word, I'm ready.

My Heart

Image credit: Kathy R. Jeffords

Four months

Today Max is 4 months old. Time flies when you're having fun (and are sleep deprived).

 

 

What Max is like at 4 months:

• Oh so very chatty and squealy! I got dirty looks from people at the library yesterday because he's so talkative. I think his chattiness is adorable, though.
• He can almost turn from back to tummy. He keeps getting stuck on his arm mid-flip and needs a little extra help. 
• Smiles constantly at Dan and I, but is pretty slow to smile at others. He is very social though and thrives on activity. He loves to go out and be around people.
• He's completely fascinated by the doggy's tail.
• He is super wiggly and wants to be able to move independently. Max thinks it's dumb that he can't crawl yet.
• Loves to eat his fingers. We have to remind him that sticking his fingers down his throat may not be the best idea.
• Has a whole bin of fun toys, but prefers to play with a burp cloth instead. I'm making mental note of that while doing my Christmas shopping. :-P

Changes

Four months ago I was thrown into the deep end of the motherhood pool.

I knew it was going to happen eventually. After all, I had spent the prior 17 months filling out paperwork, going to meetings, sitting through classes, replying to endless emails saying "Pick me! Pick me!" I knew exactly what the goal was, but the day Dan and I got the call from our case worker saying that we had been chosen to adopt a baby boy, the abstract became reality and five hours later I was a mother.

The moment I held Max in my arms for the first time, I can honestly say that I felt love for this little person unlike anything I've felt in my life. I had dreamed of this baby boy (not him specifically!) for more than 20 years and here he was, in my arms at last.

Going through adoption training, especially if you're open to transracial adoption, you really do become pretty prepared for the questions, the curious looks from people, the insane things people will say to you (I recently had someone say if Max isn't a good boy, we can give him back. WHAT?! Insanity.) How does one truly prepare for the changes that motherhood brings, though?

In the last four months, I've learned a lot about myself. I'm not as shy and quiet as I once thought I was- I've yelled at two people who were being too loud while Max was trying to sleep.

I've learned that while, yes, people do ask and say insane things when you are a white lady carrying around a black baby, it's not as difficult as I expected to keep my cool, take a breath, and remind myself that most people are just curious, not malicious.

I have also become more comfortable in my own skin. I'm a little bit too soft. I have tattoos, fair skin, and messy hair, but I know that I am created in God's image and I want to teach my son by example that who he is, an amazing, beautiful creation of God's, is just right.

People say that motherhood changes you- I just never expected how much.

Welcome!

Hi, lovely! I'm so glad you're here.

My name is Kelsey. I'm a soon to be 30-year-old Kansas girl who has called South Carolina home for the last 7 years. I'm mama to 4-month-old Max and wife to Dan (he's 30, just in case you wondered). I'm a crafter, a medical show junkie, and one of those annoying people who can't sit still for more than 5 minutes.

My hope with Heart Knit Home is to bring insight to adoption and to support other families along their journey. Whatever your reason for being here is, though, I sure am glad you are.

Sit back and enjoy the ride.